the countdown

Two weeks from tomorrow, I will be back at work. I'm working part-time, Mondays through Wednesdays, with Thursdays and Fridays off.

It's a bit hard for me to believe. I cannot believe it's been almost eight months since Nathaniel was born. When I made the arrangements to work, it seemed like it was ages away. Yet, somehow, the end of May is here.

I am such a contradictory jumble of emotions about returning to work.

Exhibit A, in which I wish to run for the hills, buy an organic alpaca farm, and homeschool Nathaniel until he's twenty: I'm completely terrified. I know I'm going to miss Nathaniel something awful. He'll be with my mother while I work, and she has promised to bring him to see me at lunch, but nonetheless, it's going to be hugely different. I'm worried he's going to miss me as well, that somehow my working will damage his happy-go-lucky personality. I'm essentially absorbing and personally enhancing all the anti-working-mother mindgames that are out there.

Exhibit B, in which I remember that I was in childcare at 6 weeks and somehow didn't turn into an anti-social psychopath incapable of normal human attachment, and that I love my law work so far: I'm thrilled to start work. I really miss exercising my legal mind. I loved the work I did last summer and I'm looking forward to more. I like the people at my firm. I miss talking about knotty problems that are not centered around infant sleep schedules or teething challenges. I don't like the playgroup scene. I want to learn more law and more about life as a lawyer. My job is likely to be far more stable in the long-term than my husband's software engineering job. Both of us do not want to expose Nathaniel to the serious financial risk we'd take if we relied solely on software engineering income from here on out.

You can see that I'm a little torn here.

To distract and torment myself further, I've been playing with this calculator, courtesy of rethink(ip). If it isn't designed to strike fear into the heart of a working mother, I don't know what is.

I played around with the numbers, and the numbers are not kind. Let's say you, the working mother, work for a firm with a 2000 billable hours/year requirement, which isn't an uncommon number. You take two weeks vacation, eleven holidays (Christmas, Thanksgiving, etc.), and three personal days (ha! optimistic thinking with your own personal little disease vector in your house). You have a thirty minute commute, and arrive in the office at 8:30 A.M. each morning. You leave at 5:30 each day, because you have to pick up your kid from daycare before it closes at 6:00 P.M. You take fifteen minutes for lunch each day, and 45 minutes of personal time in which you pump because you're still nursing. That 45 minutes includes restroom time, so you'd better pee fast. You have two hours of nonbillable administrative and professional time daily.

The calculator crunches, and announces that you, working mother, must work 24.45 hours per week at home in order to make your 2000 billable hours requirement.

Maybe I should just learn to stop sleeping now.

Comments

[CM]

2000 billable hours just sounds like way too much. I know it's not uncommon, but... how does anybody do it and still manage to have a family? (And maybe time to read a book?)

[equilibrium-girl]

Not having an engineering background (or any sort of background that required quantitative skills) before law school, I used to scratch out those very same numbers on yellow sheets of legal pad paper when I joined a firm. While the numbers are important, it's the other things that get to you, particularly the pressure you face from wanting to simultaneously be a good lawyer and a good mother. The key, in my opinion, is finding a boss who likes you and trusts that you will get the work done, no matter where you are.

[transmogriflaw]

EG, I think you're right about the boss. One of the reasons I'm returning to the firm is that I like the people there.

CM, I wish I knew. It sure is a common number, though.

[fran]

Stop thinking and just go with it! Believe me it all does work out. Babies who are loved, know they are loved. Children are amazingly adaptable! You have a good home life, parents, siblings, friends; a strong support system all the way. Relax and enjoy your life!

[transmogriflaw]

Fran - You're right. I DO have a great support system, and I know kids are more adaptable than we give them credit for.

I think it will be easier once I've started working. Right now it's the Big Scary Unknown.

[Sherry]

Hey T,

Tertia at So Close just went back to work as well and had a number of posts which to me were rather amusing (then again, I don't have children I'm leaving at home!)

Either way, I'm sure N will be fine (when I was born my mom was about to do med-school finals so I spent ages with my grandparents and I turned out normal, I think :) and you'll be fine as well.

[TP]

T-Flaw,

First time visitor to your blog. Read your comment on Divine Angst and liked it so much I figured I had to see what T-Flaw is all about. ;-)

As a current BigFlaw loser, I'm hesitant to say anything because I don't want to add to any angst you're having right now, but suffice it to say I do not have a very high opinion of how most large law firms treat their female attorneys with young children.

I have seen situations where it works and works well, though, and so I'll just wish you all the best in finding yourself (or putting yourself, I guess), in such a situation.

[transmogriflaw]

TP, welcome! Very nice to meet a new blogger. I went to your blog because of your comment, too. :)

I think with the big firm/law work going forward, we'll just have to see how it goes, I think.

[Kelly]

Ah. Good luck to you, good luck to me. My job with the firm begins in September. I realize my 'little one' - who was recently measured to be over 5'6" - is quite a bit older than Nathaniel, and I've been working or attending school for her entire life. But I'm still stressed about the unknown of firm life and how its demands on my time will affect us. Teens have needs, too, and I pray I'll be able to meet them.

[transmogriflaw]

Sherry, I read Tertia's posts. Thanks for the link. She's great!

Kelly, good luck to BOTH of us! I imagine that even when your little one is 5'6", you worry just the same. We'll do okay, I think.