pain in the ass

Tomorrow was supposed to be my Community Property exam, and therefore my last traditional in-class essay exam, since Wills & Trust is multiple choice. I had caught up on my outlining for the exam over Thanksgiving and was feeling quite ready and a little bit nostalgic.

Alas, the law school gods view nostalgia as an insufficiently humble pre-exam sentiment. Dear readers, I was verily smited. More accurately, I was spanked.

I am now writing this on the couch as I recover from minor emergency surgery on my -- wait for it -- ass. Please, do go and make the jokes. Believe me, I find them hysterically funny at this point. It has been a shitty (see? Haha! Shitty!) day.

I was debating whether to tell you about all this but now that I am full of Vicodin and red wine I am positive the Internets want to know all about my unexpected ass problem. The Vicodin came with a warning that alcohol would enhance some of the effects of the drug so of course I opened up a bottle of red wine and partook immediately. The poor ass, it needs a good Cabernet and enhanced effects. It suffered so.

Nathaniel has been a sweetheart, if a bit confused as to why Mama lay face down on the couch for the entire evening. When I told him my bum was not feeling well, he asked with concern, "Bum cwying? I kiss it better?" I told him he could blow a kiss in its general direction while he stood by my head and gave my head a hug. Very, very sweet thought but I was not up for having a discussion on which body parts were appropriate for kissing at that particular moment in time.

After the hug he brought me his beloved school bus, because of course in his world nothing cannot be made better by a yellow plastic bus. "Bum better, Mama?" At that point the Vicodin and red wine had kicked in so I assured him I was feeling a lot less sensitive. He was very pleased and made enthusiastic bus engine noises though I did have to persuade him that my bum did not need to be used as a school bus highway to feel better.

Speaking of sensitive, it turns out that explaining that one must have emergency ass surgery is a rather challenging conversation to broach with the Dean. How does one appropriately craft an email to a former Supreme Court clerk and distinguished scholar about one's ass?  "Hi Dean! Just wanted to let you know that I can't take my exam tomorrow because, um, I have to have emergency ass surgery! Toodles!"

It didn't seem quite done, and yet, unbelievably, I ended up sending the Dean a fancier version of that email along with a faxed doctor's note explaining that yeah, I'm not so much with the sitting and the undrugged clear thinking right now.

As it stands now I will be taking an accommodated exam on Saturday, where accommodated means that I can get up and walk around during the exam because the ass is not fond of exams with their sitting still and not moving for three hours.

Christ. I may delete this post when I am not high as a kite from Vicodin and booze, but seriously, I can't make this shit up. Emergency ass surgery? Who even knew such a thing existed?

   

Comments

[CM]

Ouch! I hope you're okay. Stick with the Vicodin and booze!

[kristine]

Yikes! Do feel better--and don't delete! I enjoy the really overtly snarky side of your writing.

[Beanie]

It's funny but it's not. And now I feel bad for giggling.

[Denise]

Oh dear. What a pain in the ass! I'm sorry.

Good luck on your exam though. And, how fortunate that you have a yellow plastic school bus to make you feel better. Oh, yes, and Nathaniel too. :)

[Rayne of Terror]

Yowzer! I had to turn in an exam by e-mail at 4 pm today. . .but our power had been of all night and all day, so no internet, no laptop, no heat, no coffee. I called the power company twice, please when will our power return? Begging even. I handwrote the last half of my 12 paged paper while I waited increasingly stressed out for the power to be restored. Of course my husband is so reassuring, he used to work for a power company, and was saying with 400,000 people out of power we might not get it for DAYS. The power came on 1:15 before the exam was due. I typed like a mofo to get it in on the spot of 4:00.

[Tab Connoisseur]

Oh my God, this post made me laugh. Guilty laughter, but man, "emergency ass surgery," LOL! I hope you don't delete the post. Everybody should have at least a few under-the-influence posts.

Get well soon! It sucks very much that you have to take an exam tomorrow when you should have been free of essay exams (at least until the bar, ha ha). I hope it goes well!

[Kelly]

It took me a while to figure out you weren't just using a lot of "ass" metaphors for a story about how ridiculously difficult the Comm Prop exam was.

Poor thing. Hope your bum gets well soon.

[Scheherazade]

I clicked through and now I'm kind of wishing I hadn't - I can't imagine what you feel like!

I remember a relative of mine had similar surgery once and he went around with a rubber ring for a week or so; have you been given anything similar?

Get better soon!

[wil]

I do hope that "no news is good news" in this instance and that the pain in the ass has presently diminished to an unpleasant memory. Afterall, if a yellow school bus can't cure the problem, what can?

By the by, next time -- try some lubrication!
LMAO...

[Butterflyfish]

"Bum cwying? I kiss it better?"

My toddler would have said THE EXACT SAME THING!! Lets home I never have to test that theory. Emergency ass surgery does not sound like fun. Vicodin and wine, however...

[TP]

million to one shot, Doc, million to one. ;-)